Friday, 21 May 2010

» Don't want to have this feeling anymore

Mood: Depressing..
Listening to: GGRKS - Gakupo and Luka
Consuming: Chinese food
Reading: Kuroshitsuji
Watching: Haruhi Suzumiya no Yuutsu
Addicted to: DRRR and KHR
Doing: Drawing my W.I.P

I don't want to be alone, I don't want to leave your side,
I don't want to look away, I don't want to let go
I don't want it to end, I don't want new meaningsless things to start
right now the only thing I want is you.
I want to hear your voice, I want to see you smile,
I want you to be happy, I want you to keep the good memories
I want you to forget the bad ones, I want you to keep try
I don't want you to leave my side.
bnut if you love someone let it go
and if the person is speciel he/she will come back

Right now I am totally confused and all my feelings are mixed... I don't understand anything at all.. Everything I know are wrong.. I can find the beginning nor the end. Everytime I find a hint it gets lost. Everytime someone reach out to me, I can't keep holding on to the person. Even though the person tells me that I am a speciel person, and even though I let go. I'm scared, I'm Confused, I'm ignorant, I'm still just a kid.

My Mind act like a child's. There are two possibilities.. Friend or Stranger.
But my head can't figure out right and wrong, My feelings are spinning inside my head. My memory lets me down. I keep remembering their names and faces but still I don't know who they are. I begin to study them from distance. I feel like a stalker. Maybe I am one? I begin to remember things about, still haven't talked to any of them yet.

I confess everything, they think I stalked them, which I maybe also have... a bit. I become friends with them, sometimes really close friends. So close that we still are so far away. They keep telling me that I am speciel and I am a friend they treasure, because I am so sweet, kind and understanding. So innocent.

I go from my super dying will stalking happy mode, to a shy don't know what to do just panic mode. which ISN'T a good thing. I usually talk a lot, fast, and sometimes am I to honest. but when I have my shy moments, I can't think of anything so say. I don't dare to say anything.. that migth be a good thing huh? Then I think about what I am saying.. my hyper mode is pretty much something weird, strange and annoying.. something which I haven't given a thought at all...

I cannot see the difference between real friends, fakers, stalkers, friends, and acquaintances... I am so confused... I don't know who I should turn to, my head hurts.. I don't know if I will be a burden to Desirée, don't know if Line-sempai is tired of hearing about my pessimistic thought all the time, if Pasta-chan will understand what i mean, and first of all am I scared of showing people how I really am.

There are a lot of people I would like to Thank and there are a lot of people I want to burn to ashes...

I am just so confused.. if anyone knows this feeling, please comment I would like to know what you do when you have it. maybe it will clear up something.

リ ー ナ ★ O U T


  1. It sounds to me like you're lacking self-confidence, sweetheart. I know that problem ^^' I'm about just the same. I keep wondering if I might be too fake, too hestitative, too annoying, too sesible, too akward, too boring to be around.. And then I think too much, my head gets all warm and I get this strange feeling.

    When I feel like this, I sometimes need someone to talk to. And even though I share my thoughts with different people, family, friends, strangers... It doesn't necessarily help me out.
    But it's nice to get it out of your head, and it's nice that someone's willing to listen to it. I don't mind talking to you when you feel like this, neither when you are happy and want to share some happy news. You can write, call or some see me at all times. And I don't mind you being pessimistic, we can might as well try and help eachother to become more positive thinkers ^^ Text me, okay?

    Sorry if my english was extremely bad in this comment, I'm kind of tired right now ;_; Wish you a nice weekend ♥

  2. Lii-chan ;_; Please cheer up!!!
    I agree with Line, and I think we all have that problem at some point in our life. Luckily I've been over it for a long time now, but it's all a part of growing up and finding your true self. I don't really know youe friends, so I can't tell you who's real and who's not, but the best way to find out is to confront them and to listen to your heart. If you feel like you're being used you should definetly try and talk to them.. The most important thing in a friendship is trust, so if you don't trust your friends, or feel like they don't trust you, try and talk about it with them. I hope this will help you out a little sweetie :3
    I've been there myself, so take this advice from someone who's been in your place <3