Friday, 26 February 2010

»Heartbeat like DOKI DOKI!

My heart is beating really fast, I don't know what this feeling is. I just read something and I thought "I'm going to die. I'm leaving this hateful and violence world", but then I saw a light which tried to pull me back into the dark. The sound inside my head whispered: don't come, you aren't allowed to come here. JUST GO HOME!

In some minutes I thought I became insane. Okay maybe not. But it really was a weird feeling. My heart is still beating and the musics beat match perfectly! I have headache even though I talked with my BFF again. It was a nice conversation. I don't know if I should say; it's cold and nice at the same time or this don't feel right.. something is wrong. something is missing. I believe it might be the meaning behind the words. The meaning behind the words isn't there or it's just not the same as always. The warm happy feeling I feel when I'm chatting with my dearest! The hearts brightness are fading away. The love and caring between us are death.

I just had a deja vu. It's like this whole day is repeating some years later. This happended before. I still remember it. My First Hanami some months before that it happened. Actually I was really sad about it and of course I'm now too! It's totally the same. Last time the one of them didn't feel bad about it and it's the same now. This useless fight... why must it go on? and why must it repeat? Because of the one of them or is it the other.. or maybe it's me for not being a good friend. A friend they can't rely on? Actually they don't tell me anything anymore. I feel so empty. Maybe someday I'll go and follow Tea's advice. I think things will chance after summe vacation. I already have some ideas.

1. No contact between us at all!
2. blocking or even worse deleting each other on msn.
3. Never talk or meet again. Forget everything about each other. Ignore each other at cons and on the street.
4. Be like Tinna and Julie or even worse. but I think I'll be Terkel the third wheel. It must be weird to be in their place now. Because I know how their relationship ended. and I really don't ours to end like that. I really just feel like a third wheel which is waiting on the two first wheels to roll.
5. It's going to be like last time. I'm going to be third wheel.. even more than I'm now. but I know this time it might be harder. They both are elder now and have new friends. I'm kind of feel like a mother watching her daughters grow up and fighting, but this mother is old now and can't help anymore. It's up to the daughters to find the thing they have in common. the fact that there is a person who love them both really much and don't want to lose them. So for that person I hope they will be able to find the love and friendship again, at least for her sake.

If nothing is happended before Summer vacation I'll follow Tea's advice or just do as she said. I hope we will find the happiness together again because you guys mean so much to me! Don't force me to choose or deselect the both of you!
Just remember no matter what happended in the future I'll Love and remember you guys! <3

Mood: Nervous making
Music: そばにいるね - 青山テルマ feat. Soulja
Consuming: Water
Creativity: Album covers
Addicted to: Chatting
Doing: Thinking/Wondering

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